University is a very different environment to primary or secondary school. In school, it is common to spend all or most of the day together with the same group of people making it easier to develop friendships. At university, if you do have classes in common with a person, it might only be one or two. Also, the classes are often a very large lecture with little to no interaction with other students. It could also be a busy laboratory class where everyone is in a rush, which is also not a good environment for making friends. An added complication is that many students prefer to study at home and may only attend university for a small number of compulsory activities, meaning fewer opportunities for interactions.

Prior to attending university, someone may have lived in the same town, or the same part of a larger city, their entire life and progressed through their schooling with largely the same group of people. Keeping friends was easy. Going to university may be the first time they have to mix with a nearly completely new group of people. If they have moved to a new city to attend university, but remained in the same country, they might know a few people superficially. For international students, they might not know anybody.

In addition, universities typically have large undergraduate enrolments of tens of thousands of students. Much larger than any school, meaning that even if you casually meet another student, you might never run into them again. A common complaint from students is meeting new people at events in the first few weeks at university and then never seeing them again.

Given many students are commuters and live a long way from university, this creates an additional barrier when social activities occur in the evening. Students may not be comfortable taking public transport home late at night, it may even be unsafe in some cities. Also, the time pressure on students means that although they want to join some of the available activities and maximise their chance of making friends, they either don’t have time or only have time for a few.

Another possibility is that an individual may have already struggled to find friends while at high school due to shyness, anxiety, bullying or other factors, and were optimistic about finding friends easily at university. To their shock, finding friends was actually more difficult. Some students seemed to already have formed friend groups and aren’t interested in making additional friendships, others are just plain unfriendly.

In general, university may be the first time you have tried to make friends as an adult. The other students might be busier or more judgemental than you are used to. Together, these factors create an environment where making friends is very difficult.

Even those who have good social skills can sometimes struggle to make friends if the general environment at their university isn’t conducive to that. This can happen at large commuter universities where people disappear quickly after class to return home or go to a part-time job. In many cases, students choose not to even attend classes due to long and expensive commutes.

One way of making friends is to find other students with mutual interests. Take a step back and consider what opportunities are available. These can include various clubs and sporting activities. It is also a good idea to think about what new interests you can develop that would facilitate making friends and can be continued during your life after university. Try to find social activities either within the university or in the community that meet regularly. Once a month isn’t anywhere near as good as once a week. Finding a social group or groups that you fit in with is an important first step towards making friends. If you are a quiet person who enjoys playing the violin, trying to make friends with the members of the university rugby team is unlikely to be a successful strategy.

Some students will dismiss an activity they are not already skilled at because they don’t want to look incompetent. However, many people start new activities at university. While there might be clubs that take the activity very seriously, others have a more social orientation and are happy to accept beginners. Similarly, don’t prematurely dismiss a whole category of activities like sports because you are not good at them. Not every sporting activity requires a high degree of athleticism. Investigate carefully all possible alternatives and don’t be afraid to try new things.

Larger universities have a sizeable collection of clubs and societies, so there is no excuse for not finding ones that align with your interests. The question should never be "should i join a club or society?", but rather "which clubs or societies should I join?". Even if the clubs or societies don’t lead to close friendships, they can still provide a valuable chance to build a network of people. In addition, for those individuals with social anxiety, they can provide valuable opportunities to build confidence and social skills.

Sometimes students focus their efforts on making friends solely at university. While this might seem like the logical approach, it is also worthwhile considering community activities. There are many community activities consisting mostly or solely of younger people. These can be a lasting source of friends if you plan to stay in the same city after graduation, when other students might leave to return to their hometowns or countries.

Try attending a group or activity at least a few times to get a feel for it, and not dismiss it prematurely. Recognise that there is probably not going to be a perfect activity. On the other hand, if you really hate something, your initial judgement is probably accurate and there is no point wasting too much time on it. Better to spend that time elsewhere. Try not to just retreat to your room thinking "I’m never going to find a suitable activity", instead view it as part of a process of trying out different options. Being realistic, there are sometimes going to be activities that aren’t good options because people are cliquey or unfriendly, or even the membership numbers are just too small.

If you are involved in extracurricular activities, but they are mainly solo or one-on-one activities such as individual music lessons, then look for additional activities that might be a source of friends. Remember the goal is to meet more people, so you need to look for activities where you can socialise with a group.

If you are confident, you could start talking to people waiting for the same lecture or workshop who aren’t busy and who seem to share a common interest. For example, they may wear clothing related to a particular sports team or music group. They may carry certain goods, or have stickers on their laptop, bag, or phone case that identify them as sharing a common interest. In some ways, studying the same course is also a common interest. Don’t try and become friends straight away, that would be perceived as strange. Just make small talk the first few times you interact with them. Since they are in the same class, hopefully you will encounter them regularly.

Don’t expect to make instant friends. Some people will complain that they joined an activity, attended a couple of times, but haven’t made any friends yet. It can actually take a reasonable amount of time to form friendships. Many university students are quite introverted and are cautious about making new friends.

Due to the time it can take to make friends, it is important to get involved in various activities early in your university life. Sometime students reach their final year and then suddenly realise they haven’t made any friends. This creates a mad scramble to try to form friendships which almost never works. Starting to make friends in your first semester is important. Even if you don’t make any friends immediately, in subsequent semesters people will already be familiar with you, providing a base to build on.

How often have you heard a statement like "It’s easy to meet people at university. When you see another group of students chatting just go up and introduce yourself"? This isn’t necessary the best strategy, going up to a group and saying "Hi my name is Lachlan" will stop the conversation and everyone will wonder who this guy Lachlan is who just appeared out of nowhere. The group might have been talking about something private, and they could be a bit annoyed that Lachlan barged into their conversation. They might even think Lachlan is weird and avoid him in future.

Similarly, just introducing yourself to random students in the campus bookstore or library is also likely to result in them feeling you are strange or perhaps trying to get them to join some sort of cult. Much of the time when someone just approaches you out of nowhere, they are trying to get you to join a religious group, sell you something, or involve you in something you aren’t interested in.

Equally awkward are lecturers' misguided attempts at facilitating friendships among students, "Some students feel lonely and have difficulty making friends. I want you to turn to the person next to you and introduce yourself and give them your contact details. Now you’ve made your first friend!". It may be that the person sitting next to you is friendly enough, but the interaction is awkward and is unlikely to lead to any new friendships. Judging by the fact that they suggested such an approach, the lecturer also lacks expertise at making friends.

Suppose you’ve joined various clubs and societies or other activities and are turning up regularly. How do you know if people fully accept you or just tolerate you? If they fully accept you there are a number of signs to look for.

If after some time members of the group don’t do any of these things, it could be a sign they haven’t fully accepted you. What period of time is reasonable depends on the situation and how often you meet the members. If your goal is to make friends but the group activities aren’t that enjoyable and the members of the group aren’t that accepting, then it may be time to consider other activities. In addition, consider if there is anything you might have done differently to help facilitate making friends, or whether you did anything that discouraged other members from being friendly.

Sometimes despite attempts at being friendly to other students, they may reject your attempts. This may well be due to factors beyond your control. For example, the other student might be busy, not want to make friends, or they may not like you for some superficial reason. However, sometimes you might unintentionally do something which causes the students to reject you, such as interrupting a conversation or otherwise not paying attention to social cues.

Alyssa lives in university run student accommodation. There are five bedrooms that share a common living area and bathroom. The four other residents went out to the pub and didn’t invite her. Alyssa was angry about not being invited and planned to confront them about it. While the other students do seem a bit mean not inviting her, it isn’t possible to force people to be friends or to invite someone to the pub. Angrily confronting them won’t make them like Alyssa and will ultimately create a difficult environment for the remainder of the year during which they still need to share a living space. It’s possible the other residents might become friendlier to Alyssa over time, but Alyssa should focus on developing other friendships rather than dwelling on the perceived rejection.

At the end of the day, friendship is a choice. We can’t force those who aren’t really interested to be friends with us. Likewise, just because someone wants to be friends with us doesn’t mean we have to.

Sometimes it is better to focus on making new friends rather than waste energy on friendships that aren’t going anywhere or are fading away.

Some people may be happiest on their own and don’t want to make new friends. There is nothing wrong with that if that is how they really feel. Yet, they should be careful they are really being honest with themselves and that it is not just an excuse to avoid uncomfortable social situations.

"I shouldn’t have to change my style just to fit in, people need to accept me for who I am" is another common saying. In reality, groups tend to adopt certain norms around behaviour, dress, and other aspects. If you choose to violate these norms, then the group may not accept you. If you adopt the norms of a certain subculture, then you can try making friends with other members of that subculture. But if your personal style and behaviour is so out there and removed from other groups that are available, being realistic, that could add to difficulties in making friends.

It’s been shown that humans make snap judgements based on a variety of characteristics such as facial shape, facial expression, clothing, standard of grooming, posture, gait etc. Unfortunately, this can mean within a second of meeting someone they may have already decided that you are unlikeable, untrustworthy, or worse. This makes it very difficult to form a friendship. While it’s true that an initial judgement may be overridden as additional information comes to light, this may be difficult as the person in question simply avoids further interactions.

Some of the characteristics that are used to make initial judgements can’t be controlled, so there is no point worrying about them. Instead, focus on what can be controlled, and how you can influence the initial impression you want to make. This could involve changing your clothing, hairstyle, and other elements of your personal presentation.

Remember, each country is slightly different when it comes to small talk. If you read an American book on small talk, some of the suggestions may not translate that well to other English speaking countries. Instead, you might come across as somewhat fake.

Electronic communications are a useful way to contact people you may have met in class or at a university club or society. Nevertheless, some caution is advisable, and there are a number of things to keep in mind.

Firstly, follow the two message rule. If you send someone more than two electronic communications and don’t get a response, then don’t send anymore communications because that person is obviously not interested in communicating at this stage. Some people even go to extremes if they don’t get a reply, such as posting on public forums trying to track down that person. Please be realistic, if someone doesn’t reply they are busy or not interested in communicating.

Secondly, avoid cold calling. This means don’t contact an individual unless they have given you their contact details personally. Getting messages or calls from people you don’t know (or haven’t given your details to) can be perceived as annoying or even creepy depending on the scenario. If you obtained their details from being a member of the same club, or even being part of the same group project, then be careful how those details are used. As a general rule, only use them for the purposes of the club or group project, at least until you’ve gotten to know them better.

Lonely students often try to use social media as a tool to introduce themselves to new people. In many cases, this won’t be successful as not everyone is compatible, and it is hard to develop an impression of someone online. Also, there is the risk that the person you are talking to is not who they are portraying themselves to be. This is especially the case of relatively open online platforms which anyone can join. Also it isn’t a particularly efficient way, since you might only meet one person at a time, whereas with group activities you get to meet a lot of people.

In contrast, social media can be useful for maintaining existing friendships that you have established in real life. You can use social media to make initial contact with people if you want, but be cautious about who you are meeting. Also think carefully about whether it is a worthwhile strategy.

It’s not uncommon for students who are lonely to spend a huge amount of time online and have an extensive network of online friends who they have met through online gaming or other activities. While online games can be fun, online friends aren’t a substitute for real life friendships. Many of the online friends are spread around the world so aren’t useful for doing in-person activities like sports, dining, etc.

While some sports clubs have a competitive orientation, there are others where the atmosphere is less serious. Even those who don’t like most sports or aren’t athletic can often find an activity that suits them. E-sports are also growing in popularity. Many universities have esports societies, and some university have special esports facilities.

Sometimes in sports, obnoxious comments and insults are considered normal, but when joining sports for fun and to make friends, it is essential to show good sportsmanship. Remember your goal is to make friends and build a network.

It goes without saying that you shouldn’t cheat. Also, if you are playing for social purposes, it isn’t worth arguing about whether the ball was in or out, for example. If the person you are playing with cheats or fouls, then avoid them in future as they are likely of bad character. There are some other behaviours that are best avoided when playing sports for social purposes. These include being overly competitive or becoming angry or emotional when you lose. Similarly, leave the over the top victory celebrations to professional athletes who’ve just won a major sporting event. Lack of sportsmanship and emotional outbursts can quickly ruin your reputation.

Leave the refereeing up to the referee if there is one. If there is no referee, don’t make a big deal over minor rule violations.

Even if you notice some errors in another players game, don’t start giving them pointers unless they specifically ask for them, and you really are a lot better. Unsolicited coaching advice can be perceived as arrogant and annoying. At the end of the game acknowledge the other player with a comment like "good game" or some other sort of complement.

If the other individual has a pattern of overreacting and excessively blaming others, then over time you might want to invest less in the friendship and allocate your time elsewhere. It doesn’t mean you need to cut that person off, they might become more mature over time, but investing your time elsewhere may be more rewarding.

Obviously, different types of arguments need to be dealt with in a slightly different manner. For example, a disagreement over a group project is different from one in shared accommodation. If you believe someone you know has done something wrong, try not to react angrily in the spur of the moment as it could be counterproductive in the long run. Ideally, actual arguments will be few and far between by being considerate of others.

Sometimes students have an unrealistic view on what friendship is. Many friendships are going to be somewhat transient and superficial in nature. That is just the way friendships are.

People seek a high proportion of positive interactions and fun experiences in a friendship. This involves partaking in activities like sports, games, dining out, going to the pub, and attending events. Conversely, people don’t want to deal with relationships that drain their energy, such as with those who have too much personal baggage. If a student is continuously in a bad mood, or has other psychological issues, it could be hard for them to form new social connections. In contrast, those who are perceived as positive, independent, and competent, are more likely to find it easier to make new friends.

Students can sometimes expect their friends to assist them with a large number of personal issues, and then complain when no help is forthcoming. But such expectations are often not realistic. Their friends are busy with their studies, part-time job, and their own problems. They simply may not have the time or emotional reserves to take on someone else’s serious issues. They often don’t have the skill set either, some things are best left to psychologists and other professionals. Be cautious about placing these demands on your friends, maybe they will try and help, but they could also disappear. In short, if someone is too needy, a friendship may not endure.

The term fair-weather friend is used to refer to a friend who is present during good times, but then quickly disappears when challenging situations occur. Fair weather friends are the most common type of friend. Don’t lament that your friendships aren’t deeper, instead be thankful even for fair-weather friends, as some people have no friends at all.

In society people are looking to maximise their benefits and minimise their costs both in terms of time and emotional energy. For this reason, they will avoid anyone that is too clingy or who brings too much drama. Over time, the bonds of friendship might become stronger, allowing you to rely on them more, in the short term be realistic.

Don’t take this mean that you too should only be a fair-weather friend. You are free to be whatever kind of friend you want. Maybe you are happy to go out of your way to assist an associate. Try not to build up too much of an expectation that they will reciprocate on any assistance you’ve given them.

Loneliness and difficulty making friends can have many causes, but the structure of the typical commuter university can make things incredibly hard. Overcoming these barriers may require substantial effort. As a starting point, look for low-pressure situations where you can meet people repeatedly and get to know them. One good example would be sports activities that you can enjoy throughout your life, such as racket sports, but there are many others. Making friends can take time, which makes it important to start trying to make friends early. Pay attention to your communication style in order not to alienate any potential friends. Remember that friendship is a choice, you can’t force someone to become friends with you. A person can do everything right but still not find friends.

Although some people try to make friends primarily through social media, it is probably not the best way, even if it is sometimes successful. Take advantage of opportunities offered by university to meet people in person. Certainly, purely online friendships are no substitute for real-life friendships.